day11

i cant believe that i actually counted.
how much more irritating can i be. 
sigh.


i sorta regret now :((


things just aren't the same anymore.
not the same anymore.


i told you that i am happier this way.
i lied.
my head lied to my heart.




i wanna show you what i can do without you.
wait and see.
i am going to show you.
i am going to live it out.
i can do a lot of things, without you.


not the time to say goodbye yet.
not until i prove to you what i am capable of.


good night.


i feel like waiting for the sunrise tonight :)

the LOMO journey up North :)

my very first encounter with paddy field :DDD

the stay at alor star was fun.

with the cute mother and son around.

the very first day of my journey up north.

train crossed the border and everyone was eating dinner with family.

i was, left alone.

looked out the window for hours, missing you.

i love walking on sand.

my newfound love, HuaHin :)


not a complete lonely journey but a journey which i had the time to just sat there and think about stuffs, figuring things out.
about 40hours in the train, i had them all completely to myself and devoted to Him :)
we had nice talks, He showed me His mercy and love. so real, so true.
i wasn't alone. He was there, with me :)
my Love, the Lover of my soul.

bad romance.

had bad dreams even during my naps.
it was so clear this time.
i woke up in the middle of it, waited for a while and went back to sleep.
it continued.

i was in a building, with some people.
we were trying to break out from it.
there were obstacles.
people died one by one.
i was trying to figure out a way to get out of it with the rest.
we tried, we failed and more people died.
i knew in my heart that i could never had the chance to get out of it.
it was a maze, a maze that brings death.
i was in fear, in total fear.
forced myself to wake up and found myself in cold sweats.
so real, it was so real.

i had similar dreams before, months ago.
the same building. the same people.
i was trying to break out from it as well.
that dream stopped before i managed to break out from it
and now it comes back to me again.

:(

major emoness.

i love the weather.

sitting in the couch
sipping caffeine
counting down to that day
i love it this way

i might forget to wave goodbye
but you're here
in my heart.
always

do not ever forget my name
i am Zoe
someone who used to place the whole of her heart in front of you
wanting you to do the same in return
but you never did
it's okay

time doesn't heal at all
it cuts deeper into the flesh as it ticks away
but i am good
i am all good and well

im so not used to it.
after the months of talking to sleep and im back to all-by-my-own.
nights are quiet.
but i'll be just fine. 
it aint that hard i guess.
i just need to try harder and get myself more occupied and tired.
it aint that hard.
it's a decision made with no regrets allowed.




and now
i am awake.
late night insecurities. 
it's eating my brain up slowly.
it's pushing down the wall i built to protect myself.
you have no idea how much effort i have put into protecting myself.


i am learning.
give me a little bit more time.

as she said.
big girl dont cry.

dont cry :)

i am so blessed.

just got back from work.

very tired, physically.

but i am contented. 

i've earned much more that i am supposed to get.

blessed indeed, i am :)

i love fake eyelashes.

some decisions are made meant to be regretted.
some are not.
mine, are not to be regretted.
that was what i've been telling myself whole night.
not to regret.

some decisions,
are just too big for me to make.
too big.
too big.
still, i have to risk it once and for all.
for a better me, perhaps.

gahhh. i hate making decisions.

looking into the mirror.
i miss the me who used to smile a lot.
and...i am so tanned =D
i am happier now, i think.
some scumbags just don't deserve to exist in my life.

last day of work today.
i am so gonna miss it.
i love being very busy and tired =D

saturday romance.

i am working.
tired but contented.
learning new stuffs meeting new people.
life isn't as vain as last time but it's still good i think.
a lot going through my mind recently and i can do nothing about it.
i tried to make myself tired, stayed awake till the morning and i didn't get tired.
i tried to sleep, kept waking up in the middle of it.

i miss not being here.
i don't like to be here.
i don't want to be here.


i was happier when i wasn't here.
i want to be physically absent from the place where you are at.
i am suffocating staying here.

tell me everything will be alright, tell me.

im alone in Hua Hin.

tanned and very tanned.
the weather is freaking hot but i just love the salty air :D

im in love with Hua Hin :)

Hi, world!

current location: Muak Lek.
current mood: relaxed.
current status: safe and sound.

im going solo but not alone :)

an old soul that longing to be free.

a part of me wanted to stay and the other part of me told me to leave.

leave everything behind and learn to fly, on my own wings, again.

i had the worst day ever yesterday.

started from continuous smses and calls from home.

disasters, i called them.

ended with i was blamed for whatever happened.

then cramps.

stomach cramped since the afternoon.

fml. 

the pain grew from tolerable to unbearable.

hence, i decided to go to bed early, to rest.

and to think.

fell asleep. woke up by a phone call and things got worse.

i was scolded for stupid things that i did.

well, that was how i felt too, when you did the same thing to me last time.

i wanted you to know how i felt and i didn't know it would caused such big reaction from you.

i am sorry.

sorry for putting you through all these.

i am sorry.

insomniac, single, lost, have to drink your dad's scotch to fall asleep at night.

that was what sophe told me the other day.

her 5am club.

i guess i am in now.

done with packing last night.

i wish i could fast-forward time and hop on the train by now.

i'll be safe and sound. no worries.

i know how to take good care of myself. 

i know what to do and what not to do.

backpacking and wandering around.

that's what i am quite good at :)

will be fine.

i am wearing black today.

disappointment comes, when you least expect it.
it hurts a lot.
especially when it is from someone who you trusted your heart/life with.

throughout the years being away from home, i've learned.
learn to be more independent. learn to be tough.
learn to be strong. learn to never being defeated by the reality.
learn to see things from the whole perspective.
learn to be invulnerable. learn not to cry easily.
i have learned that i need to work hard, if i desire/want to have something.
i have learned everything that turned me into someone who i was not and someone who i am now.


growing up is totally no fun.
the older i grow, the more i want to be free from what i'm in now.

i had dreams, a lot of dreams recently.
dreams of the past, the beautiful ones.
i dreamt that i was a kid again, smiling and laughing happily.
nightmares, the ugly ones.
more of the things happened in these few years and very often i wake up finding tears on my face.

i know. i know what exactly i am supposed to do. i know.
there are decisions that are waiting to be made, i am just too afraid of what will happen next.
i feel like running away from the reality.
i want to live in my dreams, the beautiful ones.

i want to fly kite, the kite will fly so high that it might be able to touch the rainbow in the sky.
i want to be at the beach, close my eyes and listening to the wind.
am i too greedy, for asking so much?
perhaps.

well, it's okay to be vulnerable once in a while i guess.
it's not gonna hurt anyway.





i wish i was there, to sing you off to sleep,
for the days when i am gone.

me and my dad.

we are best friends ever :)

my heart wants to go.

guess where?

:D